Thursday 13

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Well, after last week's no-show, it seems only fair that this week I offer thirteen very feasible excuses as to why I didn't do the Thursday 13 last week:

1. I was abducted by aliens. Fortunately they returned me on Friday morning at one minute past midnight, but by then I'd missed the deadline.

2. I was staring at my screen, waiting for inspiration to hit, when I fell asleep and had a ridiculously-convincing dream where I'd written the greatest Thursday 13 of all time. Anyway, I woke up the next morning, not realising it was a dream, thinking I'd already written it (and thanks for all the nice comments I dreamed you left on it, by the way), and it was only when I looked back this week, and noticed that it wasn't there, that the truth dawned on me. Needless to say, dreams being what they are, I can't actually remember the contents of this greatest Thursday 13 of all time, although I'm fairly certain it didn't comprise a list of excuses.

3. I pushed the Publish Post button, but my internet connection is so incomprehensibly slow that you'll not see it until next Thursday.

4. You know how sometimes the brain can protect itself from traumatic situations by repressing memories. Well, that's what yours has done with last week's Thursday 13 of mine. I suspect if you look back you won't even see it - isn't the human mind an amazing thing?

5. Following my previous Thursday 13 about my favourite numbers, I was being held hostage by some militant mathematicians, incensed that I'd omitted their favourite of ninety-nine, a number that conjured up images for them of red balloons and bottles of beers on the wall. When I pointed out that I'd also had to miss out seven, despite it being magnificent, they finally let me go.

6. I was going to post a Thursday 13. Indeed, I'd spent ages working on a list of my favourite months, but then just at the end I saw the horrible flaw in my plan. As a result, at the last minute, thinking on my feet, I switched to discussing my favourite signs of the Zodiac. D'oh!

7. I had to abandon it since, despite hours working on it, it failed to reach the stringent standards of quality control required for my blog (i.e. it still consisted solely of the words "Thursday 13").

8. I did actually post it. It was a list of thirteen conspiracy theories, which blew the lid off just about everything. But as soon as I posted it, THEY removed it.

9. I posted it, but then it turned out to be exactly the same as the first person's Thursday 13, word for word. Thinking I'd be accused of plagiarism, I typed up another 13, but they matched the second person's. So I did it again, and they matched the third person's. At this point, I think you can see the pattern emerging.

10. Sure, I wrote it, but I didn't think you could handle it. Maybe next week.

11. At the last minute, I realised that if I did post it, then this week's Thursday 13 wouldn't make any sense.

12. Okay, my most faithful reader, I'll tell you the truth, but you're sworn to secrecy (don't worry about the other readers; I'm using clever HTML so that they're actually now reading something different and far more funny). I was out in Hollywood pitching a movie, hoping to get it greenlighted. It's yet another entry in the "Look Who's Talking" franchise, but this time with the high-concept twist that instead of having the adventures of a baby voiced by Bruce Willis, I turn things on their head and have the adventures of Bruce Willis voiced by a baby. It'll be called "What You Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?"

13. All of the above

Honest, that's what happened. Would I lie to you?

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