Thursday 13: The Future's Bright, The Future's Apple

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Don't you just hate it when you have prophetic dreams about what Apple are planning following the successes of the iPod, iTouch and iPhone? I know I do. Anyway, I had one such dream last night and here, verbatim, are the 13 future items that I saw on one of their top-secret hush-hush executive memos (to tell the truth, there could have been more than 13, or maybe it just said "Stuff" - it's all a little hazy now):

1. iSay

It's been said that television has killed the art of conversation, and indeed the same accusation could be levelled at the iPod (although we of course wouldn't hear it with our volume cranked way up high). Anyway, to redress the balance, and to help the conversationally-stifled, we have the new microsocopic iSay which lodges in the eardrum and, whenever it detects a deafening silence, will provide the user with an apt quotation or a deep insight that the user can then utter (or, if the user remains silent, its telepathic shuffle feature will cycle through some alternative responses). Due to Digital Rights Management, the user can then repeat the said utterance to up to five listeners, although any further repetition will naturally cause the iSay to self-destruct, thus handily leaving the user needing to buy another one.

Of course, even if they don't upgrade their iSay due to its self-destruction, they'll no doubt prefer to be thought of as funny rather than profound, and so will want to upgrade a year later to the subsequently-released third-generation iSay-iSay-iSay which will provide them with numerous witty ripostes to help fill any vacuum of silence, which the user can buy in numerous comedy stylings to suit their taste (observational, surreal, droll, sarcastic, witheringly sarcastic, childish, puntastic and classic).

Of course, when faced with such wit, some might just want to fling epithets back at the speaker, which is where yet another version, the iCarumba comes in.

Naturally, none of these will be made available to the UK market, where instead they'll be supplied with the iOfTheStorm which will provide users with suitably uninteresting things to say about the weather.

2. iMax

Following the success of the iPod nano, it's time for the other extreme of the iMax, a giant iPod of immense proportions. With enough hard disc to hold every movie, song and television programme in existence (and then some), its massive high resolution screen, taller than the tallest skyscraper, offers the ultimate audio/visual experience. Even when it's not showing anything, its screen rotates its pixels through all their near-infinite possible combinations at speeds too fast to take in, so that in its downtime, in a matter of seconds, amongst all the static, observers will see every image possible - every event that there ever was, is, will be, might have been or can never be (plus numerous subliminal advertisements for the other products listed here).

Naturally, the iMax isn't portable, but that doesn't matter because it's so big you can see it from everywhere. Of course, there's no obvious place where the owner could keep it, so instead they'll be placed into orbit, where the screen will still be clearly visible. Yes, it's THAT big!

3. iOfTheTiger

Tests carried out by Apple have shown that pets don't like their owner's music; indeed when dogs might appear to sing along with music they are, as their sounds suggest, actually howling in pain.

That's where iOfTheTiger comes in - an iPod for pets. Now pets can listen to special pet-specific music (available exclusively from the iTunes store).

4. iClaudius

Claudius, the most famous stutterer in history, gives his name to the latest iPod which can do automatic scratching of any music on it to give it that '80s hip hop sound.

5. iGore

Since teens love horror movies, this version of the iPod adds additional blood to any movie, not to mention an ever-increasing eerie baking track to any song being played, until eventually the singer's voice is distorted into screams.

6. iCandy

While the world's not quite ready yet for the iRobot (as market research disguised as a Will Smith movie showed), a more human robot is planned. iCandy is her name and she's been shown by market research to be man's new best friend. Not only does she come in the desired anatomically-incorrect proportions, but she can cook, clean, run completely silently and, most important of all, she gets all the sports channels.

7. iStillHaven'tFoundWhatImLookingFor

Having trouble finding music, movies, car keys? Whatever, you lose, the new iStillHaven'tFoundWhatImLookingFor, using advanced search engine technology to search reality itself,will find it for you.

Unfortunately, while development's complete on this, we've mislaid the prototype.

8. iBelieve

A new iPod that analyses the world's music preference to deliver only the most heavenly tunes to the listener. Available in cloud white, angelic white and whiter than white.

9. iPredict

Using data gathered from iPods all over the world, this gadget analyses the current state of the universe and extrapolates it to show you the future.

Work has been slow on this, especially with the development teams constantly leaving as they found themselves winning the lottery, but we finally got a large city-sized working version. Using that we saw what they did in the future to shrink its size, stole that future technology, and now it's reduced to its optimum shape, that of a magic 8 ball.

10. iFive

It's an iPod! It's a glove! It's a glove and an iPod! Driven by hand gestures, the iFive will play appropriate music for every occasion, whether it be hardcore rap for the more colourful gestures, or the Theme from Rocky when you make a fist. Finally, thanks to this revolutionary technology, blind people will get to play Rock, Scissors, Paper.

11. iCanDoAnything

The ultimate gadget, brought to us years ahead of our time thanks to the power of iPredict. It would have been called the iGod but that was dropped after it didn't quite do it justice.

Yes, the iCanDoAnything can, as it's name suggests do anything, perform any feat, answer any question. For what it's worth, Douglas Adams was right with 42.

Available for a limited time only, until it takes over the world.

12. iiCaptain

Not just an i- prefix, but an ii- prefix, as this gadget takes charges of all your other Apple gadgets, keeping them running at their maximum capacity, along with maintaining a log of everything that's happening.

To the end user, this gadget should be unobtrusive, and it might appear to the casual observer that it isn't actually doing anything that important. This is indeed the case, so we'll charge an exorbitant price for it to convince everyone it must be doing something important.

13. iCanCountToThirteen

Surveys have shown that people seem to have trouble finding the thirteenth item to add to a list. This gadget automatically generates one for you. How invaluable is that?

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