Thursday, 12 March 2009

Thursday 13: Pitches

Header from samulli

Several weeks ago, buried in my list of thirteen excuses for not doing Thursday 13 the previous week, I mentioned my trip to Hollywood pitching a movie. To tell the truth, I actually pitched thirteen other movies while out there, so here they are:

1. Since Enchanted has sort of stole Shrek's thunder in the fairytale mickey-taking stakes, I proposed a sequel to Shrek where the green ogre, along with Fiona and Donkey, find themselves transported out of their computer-generated landscape and into the real world of New York City. It's called "Shrek's In The City".

2. Superheroes meet Harry Potter, as a stray spell at Hogwarts creates havoc by producing four super-powered pizza-eating Moaning Myrtles, in "Teenage Mutant Whinger Myrtles".

3. A sort of Gremlins-meets-Chucky scenario as a Furby takes on a life of its own, slaying people and then repeating their final screams. It's called "Furby Goes Bananas".

4. Everybody knows that all good movie franchises come in trilogies (Lord of the Rings, Back To The Future, and, hey, look what happened when Star Wars decided to add a fourth film), so how about a sequel to the Kill Bill movies. Now the main problem with this is that the Bride slayed all of her enemies (and then some) in the first two movies, so most of the characters from the first two movies are no more, but we'll get round this by using some voodoo to bring them all back. That's right - a Kill Bill zombie movie where all of the Bride's victims are raised from the dead to get their revenge. It will of course be called "Kill Bill Vol. 3" (sorry, got to stick to the winning formula. Bet you thought I was going to say "Bride's Dead Revisited") .

5. Speaking of Kill Bill, how about a Disney sequel, ripped off ever so slightly from the former, in which the kick-ass heroine travels to France to avenge her family, and finally ends up stained red by the blood of all of her opponents. It's called "Mulan Rouge".

6. Sticking to the Disney theme, I pitched a TV spin-off in which some cooks, desperate to win a restaurant of their own, compete with each other in a kitchen, in a race against time to prepare a meal for two, all under the watchful eye of a monstrous chef with unkempt fur who keeps growling at them, and with the added disadvantage that sometimes the clock they use to time things suddenly performs musical numbers along with their cooking utensils. It's called "Belle's Kitchen".

7. Steve Guttenburg, Tom Selleck and Ted Danson wake up to find their little lady's all grown up and considering gender realignment surgery in "Three Men and a Maybe".

8. Snake Plisken's back, but this time, thanks to state-of-the-ark 2D graphics, he's trapped in a two-dimensional terrorland, in John Carpenter's "Escape From Flatland" (or maybe that should be "Snake's on a Plain").

9. Ben Stiller plays a milkman (not just any milkman, mind you, this is a high-concept movie where he's a man quite literally made of milk following being bitten by a radioactive cow). Anyway, he falls in love with Cameron Diaz, only to discover that she's lactose intolerant, in the romantic comedy "There's Something About Dairy".

10. Following the success of High School Musical comes a musical based on Smallville. It's called Super-Kal-El-Lionel-Chloe-Lex-Pete-Lana-Lois.

11. No doubt the upcoming Star Trek film will reinvigorate the franchise, but, if not, here's a Plan B. To appeal to the teen market, how about a Starfleet Academy movie that drifts into American Pie territory. Since no one wants to see Kirk going around being successful with women, let's focus on Spock and McCoy, on the eve of graduation, desperate to go where they've never gone before, before they get sent off on their five year mission. Anyway, while Spock's going through Pon Farr and McCoy's overdosing on cordrazine, they hatch a desperate plan - with the aid of their incomprehensible Scottish pal - to use a replicator to create duplicates of Kirk's sexy latest squeeze Carol Marcus. Unfortunately, some of Spock's Ponn-Farr-imbued DNA gets mixed up with the DNA they steal from Carol Marcus, and they end up creating two new sex-crazed Carol Marcus clones, and hilarious hijinks ensue, with the red-hot twosome threatening to give tribbles a run for their money. It's called "Doc, Spock and Two Smoking Carols".

12. A follow up to The Bourne Ultimatum (hard to see how they resisted calling that one Bourne Three). This time around, in a fourth-wall-breaking Truman-Showesque twist. the former amnesiac finds that he's not actually Jason Bourne but just a Hollywood actor playing Jason Bourne and in disbelief has to resort to expletives. It's called "I'm %£!$ing Matt Damon".

13. Jason Vorhees turns to memes in "Thursday The Thirteen".


Tilli said...

Don't freak out, I think I've fallen a little bit in love with you, 2 actually made me cry with laughter. Number 3 sounds an awful lot like a nightmare I had once. Not to worry though, Elmo rescued me and all was well. But the princess was in another castle.

Brenda ND said...

These are clever and funny. Thanks for the grins.

Janet said...

hahahaha this was GREAT!!!

The Bumbles said...

That's too f**ckin' awesome! #2 is a bet sentimental though - my mother dressed up for Halloween at her office one year as a Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Girdle.

Alice Audrey said...

LOL. Awww come on. Bride's Dead Revisited is a much better title.

A Blog In The Rough said...

ROTFLMAO. I dont know which one i like the best. way to go on your hilarity :)
Wow, looks like you're getting more of a chick fan club...uh oh Im getting jealous lol

Eaton Bennett said...

This is hilarious, I'm coming back next week to see if you're regularly funny. Three men and a maybe and Doc, Spock and Two Smoking Hot Carols...very very clever!
Happy TT and thank you for visiting my TT. :)

Susan Helene Gottfried said...


I'm definitely going to have to hang out here more often. I like the way you think.

Storm said...

Interesting thoughts for movies. Good luck with this new endeavor. Happy TT.

Crazy Person said...

*falls over laughing*
I simply adore these. I hope that every pitch you make (serious or silly) gets made. :)

- Celticlibrarian

An Eerie Tapestry said...

Many thanks for all the comments. Some quick responses to a select few:

Tilli - I won't freak out, although I credited you with better taste. Regardless, I'm glad I made you cry.

The Bumbles - And I thought Middle Aged Mutant Ninja Girdle was too unbelievable a film to pitch. Talk about truth being stranger than fiction.

Alice Audrey - You're completely right. No wonder none of my movies get made.

A Blog In The Rough - There's no need to be jealous. They'll probably all figure out I'm just a fraud and don't really pitch movies in Hollywood. Oops, did I type that aloud?

Eaton Bennett - Sorry, but I'm not usually hilarious, as you'll find out soon enough.

Rikki said...

Ha, I knew it. How come I've never been here before? You must have snuck your posts onto the list when I wasn't looking. I agree with a previous commenter, Bride's Dead Revisited would be a much better title, couldn't Kill Bill vol 3 be a sub-line? It would still give people the idea that it is a sequel. "Doc, Spock and two smoking Carols" is an excellent title. Lock, one of my favourite films. Now I'll be spending all day flicking through here, what a way to spend a day off.

An Eerie Tapestry said...

Thanks for the nice comment, Rikki. Yeah, that's definitely the better title, so I should have used it as the sub-line (I also toyed with Bill and Dead's Excellent Adventure). Have to confess that I've never seen Lock, Stock... in full, although I really liked Pulp Fiction and The Usual Suspects (especially the latter) - the other films you list as favourites in your profile.

Hope you eventually found something better to do with your day off.